Permission to be Imperfect

I read an article last week on "Choose the Right." In general, I think that is the best course of action. I don't dispute that. And yes, we need to teach that to our children. Parents are responsible to teach their children, and we launch them into mortal life, so we must help them understand the choices before them and how to choose the right course.

But we also need to give them permission to be imperfect. Do they somehow think that we expect that they will always choose the right? That if they take a piece of candy from a friend's house or push down their little brother, then they have failed and fallen from grace? Along with choosing the right, we teach the steps of repentance, the way to be forgiven, and the truth that the Savior has paid for our sins. But do they really get that it's OK and normal and expected to make bad choices? Or do they feel an overwhelming sense of duty to always do right or else they will lose our love and approval? That's a heavy burden for little shoulders.

We're not teaching them that we won't love them anymore if they sin. But maybe we need to go a step further in the opposite direction--to share with them that we make the wrong choices, and we did when we were kids, and we will when we're much, much older than we are now. And Heavenly Father still loves us, and our parents still loved us, and we hope our children will continue to love us as we make mistakes and then correct them and repent--and that goes both ways. We will love each other and support each other and help each other to recognize poor choices and get back on track. We're going to do that a lot, but that's OK, because we continue to love God and to want to do right, and He will help us and forgive us and heal us.

Random Thoughts on Parenting

Thoughts on Parenting and Mental Health

Our Bodies

One of the greatest gift a mother can give her daughters is to love her own body. Not just accept it, not just try to avoid talking about how fat/wrinkly/straight-haired/frizzy-haired she is, but to truly appreciate the gift of a physical body and the amazing things it does. When we’re cut, it heals itself (unlike the sofa). When we do a new exercise, and we’re sore the next day, if we continue by the next week we’ve adapted. Our bodies digest food and pump blood and see and hear and feel. What a difference it would make to our daughters to hear us express appreciation for our bodies instead of dissatisfaction or disgust.

What if we saw our body as our friend, as our partner in this mortal world? What if we saw ourselves working together? Would we be more inclined to eat fruits and vegetables, because we care about our body and want to give it the things that makes it happy? Would we try to move every day, for the same reason?

In a society where women are constantly dissatisfied with their weight, or cup size, or nails or toes or noses, what if we stopped trying to surgically fix our problems in an effort to find happiness, and just focused on gratitude and contentment for what we already have? We can let our daughters know that happiness is not rooted in what we imagine others think when they look at us. How would that change our daughters’ lives?

So talk about it. Get your own attitude straight, and then share it with your daughters. Love your bodies. Celebrate your bodies! Is it cancer-free? Halleluah! Can you walk around the block? Do all your senses work reasonably well? Can you enjoy the feel of the Spring sun warming your back? Then stop griping and love your body and give that gift to your daughter.

What Do We Want?

If you want to understand someone, determine what she believes will bring her happiness. Then the reasons for her choices are clear.

We all want to be happy. Our decisions depend on what we think will bring us happiness: Beauty? Possessions? Friends and family? Career success? Religion? Whatever we set our heart on becomes our god and we worship at its altar. Because all we really want is to be happy.

Addictions are efforts to soothe. Anxiety brings pain and discomfort. Where can I turn to be soothed? Where can I turn for peace? Prayer is a nice idea, but a chocolate chip cookie is handier and quicker.

Where we put our trust reveals a lot about our character and our motivation. And it determines whether we make a choice that results in happiness, or just more misery masquerading as a quick fix.

Choose the Right

Our kids don’t understand that it’s OK to choose the wrong sometimes. That is normal, and to be expected, and it’s why we have a Savior. But we don’t always explain that part as carefully, because we don’t want to give them license for wrong choices. So we put incredible pressure—more than we ever realize or intend—to always Choose the Right, to always be kind, to always be honest, to always work hard and do their best and make Heavenly Father happy. Except you know what? They can’t. They can’t always Choose the Right, and then what have we got? Failure. But they don’t know yet that’s the norm. Heavenly Father even knew it would be the norm. We will never be good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or kind enough, or honest enough. Never. We won’t. But that’s OK. We try, and sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we fail, and that’s why the Savior helps us every day. Because we need to repent every day, and try again tomorrow, and we’re going to need to repent then, too. Even when we’re old. But He always loves us. And He loves us even when we try and fail. Because we wanted to succeed, and He’ll make it right. That’s the plan.

Mental Health Days

Boy, was 100% attendance a mistake. Some days it’s better to be home. No, it won’t become a habit. No, it’s not avoiding problems rather than facing them head on. It’s just sometimes you need a day. And then you can go back. But that day? That’s freedom. That’s having some control. That’s not being trapped. And knowing that it’s there every once in awhile is just enough to keep going the other days.