Mindfulness Meditation

I've been attending a mindfulness meditation group for a couple of weeks. We meet once a week at 6:30 in the morning. The evening before the first meeting, I was up late and exhausted. I would not have gone had I not felt so much clamor in my mind that I was desperate to find a way to calm it. I admire the equanimity of the leader, and I hoped she could help me to feel some of that.

We do a long period of sitting meditation, then a period of walking meditation followed by a shorter period of sitting meditation, all in silence. At the end of the final meditation time, we have a reading and an opportunity for sharing.

The first week, I was very moved by the walking meditation. I felt so aware of the muscles moving in my feet and legs and core working to maintain balance as I moved very slowly. I felt gratitude for the many services my body does me without my awareness or appreciation. Getting up to walk across the room requires a multitude of systems to work together to do what I require.

Today I had a hard time quieting my mind during the seated meditation. I was able to consciously relax the tension in my shoulders and face, but it seemed like there was an interior mind muscle that was clenched and refused to release. I tried to empty my mind, but there was still a knot of intertwined worries, half-formed thoughts, irritations, etc. that I carry with me like a large ball of collected rubber bands, stretched tight and clinging to each other and to my soul. I wanted to feel peace, but peace bounced off of my collection of tightly bound disquiet.

Then the bell rang, and we stretched and stood to walk. I found my walking alternated between lifting a foot, balancing on the other while I moved the first forward, and finding my balance again as I shifted some weight to my forward foot. But in between steps, there was a period of solid connection to the ground, where I could feel toes, sole, and heel all firmly planted on the ground. I felt steady. I felt connected. Then I moved again, and again my body worked to maintain balance as my weight shifted, and I moved forward.

I realized this is similar to my mind. There are times when my mind moves from one state to another: worry, joy, irritation, fear, pride, shame, happiness, anxiety. Brain states come and sometimes linger, sometimes pass quickly. But in between, and I believe underneath, I can have a secure connection to myself. There is an inner strength, goodness, and wisdom that endures the passing brain states. When I peel away the bands that enwrap that secure center, I can feel peace, and connection to God, and love for myself and every living thing around me. Now I know what I am searching for, perhaps I can more easily find it.